Dark Mode : ON
“It is 9.30 pm and like a typical weekday night at Indian households, my entire family is watching K.B.C while I hog on paneer ki sabzi without a care in the world (paneer is bae). I hear a sentence said by the contestant which caught my attention. Did she just say she didn’t get a job because she has a dark complexion? Did I hear that right?
Why has the room suddenly turned into what feels like the inside of a blast furnace? Why has the ceiling dropped so low?
NO… no… no.. no… this can’t be happening. No, not here. Not right now. What if amma notices me trying to catch my breath? What if she asks me if my wheezing is acting up again? I can’t lie to her. I can’t, I just can’t. You know what, you need to get up Shradha! Get up and walk slowly towards your room. Two more steps, you can do this. Breathe 1,2,3,4 and repeat 2, 3, and 4. Keep the count 2,3,4. Let’s do this for a while. Breathe. B-r-e-a-t-h-e. You’re okay. You’re fine.
Oh, that feels better. Thank God.”
The colonial preference of seeing white skin as a superior race has become such a deep-rooted concept in our country that even after 73 years of independence, we can’t seem to get rid of it. As a brown girl in India, I can vouch for this statement because recently, I went through a similar incident that shattered my self-confidence in seconds. Even though the person in question never said it to my face but the comment shrunk me down to the size of an ant. My reaction to the comment was superficial in comparison to the deep wound it had inflicted on me. Maybe at that time, since I was preoccupied with the other nonsense going on around me I couldn’t feel my mountain of self-worth crumble. Today, though, was one of those days where I re-lived that episode.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ Little did she know, consent is a mere word in the dictionary holding zero value in real life.
A few days after, that particularly pathetic excuse for a day, I remember standing in the aisle of a supermarket where the product I’ll call it Unfair and Not so Lovely, was placed. I have condemned products like these since I was old enough to realize right and wrong, but there I stood, in that section, asking myself “what is the harm in trying?” I picked up a bottle, walked to the cashier, and as he told me the amount to be paid; an urge to walk away kicked in. Thank God for Miss Pride, right? I wish she had arrived a tad bit early so that I could have avoided the dramatic exit, leaving the cashier clueless, and could have avoided almost falling prey to the billion-dollar skin lightening industry.
As I walked out of the supermarket, it happened for the first time ever. My entire body was burning up, my vision blurred and I couldn’t breathe for what felt like a lifetime. Right outside the exit door, I stood, trying to catch my breath. It took me some time to get back to normal but I swore to myself, I would never, do something like that, ever again.
I shouldn’t have made that promise.
Months later, on a rather blue-r day, while I screen-shopped through Amazon to make myself feel better (oh common, enough with the judgy eyebrows, we all do that); I stumbled upon make-up products and felt this urge to buy all them all at once. Thanks to a fraction of my rational brain which was still left intact, despite the crazy irrationality and desperation (let me tell you, combined, they are equivalent to a tsunami); I didn’t let myself go broke. I bought, let’s say, a few products.
For those who are wondering what is wrong with buying a few things, I will break it down for you. I love my kajal, eyeliner, and lipstick. These are the most basic essentials that I apply on my face apart from Johnson baby cream. I don’t own any kind of make-up. I am the “less is more” kind of person. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people who own or prefer make-up but my reason for buying it, was to whitewash myself with tones 2 shades lighter than my actual skin colour because I wasn’t feeling confident in my own skin.
Correction:- I didn’t own any makeup, until, I gave into that one moment of weakness.
The parcel arrived one day later (thanks to Prime) and then, began paperwork (read thoughts). I kept trying to finish it, but, one paper after another it kept piling up. “Why did you buy this?”, “Do you need it?” were the few questions out of a possible billion, getting printed in my head and before you know it, I felt like I was personally responsible for burning down a fictitious Amazon! (get your tech-savvy brain in line I am talking about the rainforest)
As I opened one box after another, I wished I hadn’t placed the order and had taken the high road but I figured, with certain things in my life, I’m more of a tortoise than a rabbit. I am aware that I am drinking the same poisonous concoction, but, I am also trying to break this habit.
After getting stuck in the same scary cycle for days together, I am now making sure I indulging in art, every time, I am in self-doubt. The ability to capture an emotion, thought or express my feeling without using words; is just therapeutic to me.
This small activity gives me the perspective to look beyond the ignorant comments and superiority complex that others carry. Every time I slip, I sketch or paint something, which makes me realize that I am awesome the way I am and Roosevelt is right. How you ask?
Take Burj-Al-Arab Jumeirah for example. The iconic sail-shaped luxurious hotel stands tall on an island due to the badass inner core and not the flimsy glass façade.
You, similarly, are a model created by a holier than thou figure (God, DNA, vibes, etc whatever you believe in) who/which decided the way you would look. The point is your worth is not defined by external crap. YOU build yourself. Your passion, your intelligence, your humility, your dedication, and your hard work expresses who you are as a human being.
For days when you feel less than abso-freaking-lutely amazing, try doing something for yourself. Dance, sing, go shop, do anything that makes you feel good because anyone who doesn’t see you for who YOU are, is a dum-dum.
So, let’s race my fellow tortoise because we’ve all heard the story, slow and steady, always, wins the race.
NOTE: This is NOT a self-pity party. I am NOT writing this to gain sympathy. I write this in the hope that anyone who reads it and has gone through a similar experience can stand tall and be proud of every single inch of themselves.
And for those, who have never experienced this, treat this as a humble request to stop and condemn this sort of behaviour. Rocket science nahi hai yaar, all we have to do is use the beautiful brain that we have and just, NOT say things that are offensive.
